Learn why normal conflict between parents is different from domestic abuse, the impact it has on children and where you can find support if you think you are in an abusive relationship.
On this page
- What is domestic violence and abuse?
- What is gaslighting?
- Domestic abuse survivor stories
- Where you can get help
What is domestic violence and abuse?
Normal conflict between parents is a different to domestic abuse.
Relationships Really Matter is about managing normal conflict, or everyday disagreements, in your relationship in a more positive and healthy way both for you and your children.
The Government defines domestic abuse as "any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality.
This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:
- psychological
- physical
- sexual
- financial
- emotional
This also includes controlling behaviour and coercive behaviour.
Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate or dependent by:
- isolating them from sources of support, such as their friends and family
- exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain
- depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape
- regulating their everyday behaviour.
Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim."
Learn how to spot controlling and coercive behaviour in this 3-minute YouTube video:
What is gaslighting?
Domestic abuse services have said “gaslighting” is on the rise.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It’s manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, feelings, friendships and question their own sanity.
Signs of gaslighting include:
- no longer feeling like the person you used to be.
- being more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
- often wondering if you're being too sensitive.
- feeling like everything you do is wrong.
- always thinking it's your fault when things go wrong.
- apologising often.
Domestic abuse survivor stories
These stories are from women and children who've survived domestic abuse. They help explain what it’s like to live with domestic abuse.
They are from the book 'Freedom Flowers' by Pat Craven, who founded a domestic violence programme called The Freedom Programme in Nottinghamshire.
Learn more about the book on The Freedom Programme website
Bluebell's story
My dad kicked my mum in the stomach and assaulted her in many ways, and I was born with a hole in my heart, and it made me very weak and small, as a child I missed a lot of school as I was always in hospital. I was always the smallest and weakest throughout my childhood and got bullied for being like that. Then, as an adult, I fell for abusers, so maybe I can say thanks to my dad for that sort of life!
Daffodil's story
I would wake up hearing my son scream and cry, and when I opened the bedroom to get him (we lived in a bungalow), my ex would suddenly appear from a different room as fast as lightning and not allow me to get into my son’s room, or he would be in there and at the bedroom door blocking my way...
Becky's story
On Saturday, daddy pulled mummy’s hair and pushed her to the floor. When she tried to get up, daddy hit her with the chair. Mum he was worried because my little sister was in the bath and she might drown. Dad he told mummy to stay on the floor until he told her to get up. On Sunday, I watched CBeebies with my fingers in my ears because I didn’t want to hear the shouting.
Rose's son story
I have been expelled from school because when I do not get my own way I kick off like dad does at home. I am afraid of other teenagers and people I do not know, I do not know who to trust. Everything must always be perfect, I want to please dad. I have no self-esteem, I do not like myself. I have little social skills, I find it difficult to interact with other people. I am three years behind in my schoolwork because I miss so much school.
Where you can get help
Get help if your being abused
- Call the Domestic Abuse 24-hour free telephone helpline: 0808 800 0340
- If you're in immediate danger, call the police on 999
- For help in emergency situations where you cannot speak (The Silent Solution), call 999, then wait for the operator to speak and dial 55 - this will alert the operator to your situation
- For non-emergency calls to the police, call 101
Nottinghamshire Independent Domestic Abuse Services (Nottinghamshire and Nottingham City)
Nottinghamshire Independent Domestic Abuse Services (NIDAS) support women and their families to stay safe, grow their self-esteem and go on to build happy, healthy relationships.
Contact NIDAS by telephone on 01623 683250
Notts Women’s Aid (Bassetlaw, Newark and Sherwood and Mansfield)
Notts Women’s Aid is for women and children in Bassetlaw, Newark and Sherwood and Mansfield.
Contact Notts Women’s Aid by:
Telephone: 01909 491330
Fax: 01909 533617
Email: enquiries@nottswa.org
Visit the Notts Women's Aid Website
Juno Women's Aid (Ashfield, Broxtowe, Gedling, Rushcliffe and Nottingham City)
Juno Women's Aid (formerly WAIS) is for women and children in Ashfield, Broxtowe, Gedling, Rushcliffe and Nottingham City.
Contact Juno Women's Aid by:
24-hour telephone helpline: 0808 800 0340
Telephone helpline for agencies: 0115 947 6490
Visit the Juno Women's Aid website
Broxtowe Women's Project
Broxtowe Women's Project helps women living in the borough of Broxtowe who are experiencing domestic abuse.
They provide a confidential helpline, outreach service, training courses and drop in sessions, all aimed at empowering women and to help them survive domestic abuse.
Contact Broxtowe Women's Project by:
Domestic abuse telephone helpline: 01773 719111
Textphone: 07914 634 190
Telephone for general enquiries: 01773 718555
Email: enquiries@broxtowewp.org (opens in new tab)
Visit the Broxtowe Women's Project Website
Equation (For men in Nottinghamshire and Nottingham City)
Equation supports men aged 18 and over in Nottinghamshire and aged 16 and over in Nottingham City.
Contact Equation by telephone on 0800 995 6999
Equation's helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9:30am to 4:30pm. A confidential 24-hour answerphone service is also available outside of these times.