Learn about how to communicate better in your relationship, the impact it has on your children and what we can do to help.
On this page
- Why relationships really do matter
- What is parental conflict?
- How communicating poorly affects children
- Causes of arguments between parents
- Relationships Really Matter can help
- Support for children and young people
Why relationships really do matter
It's normal for parents or co-parents to argue or disagree in a relationship. It can happen whether you are together, separated or divorced. How you communicate when you argue is important. How your children experience this really matters too.
When parents deal with tensions in a relationships and communicate in a healthy way, it's easier to move on. Children will be happier too if they know their parents can manage arguments in a more positive way.
What is parental conflict?
Parental conflict happens when arguments between parents, or co-parents, is intense, frequent and poorly resolved, becoming destructive and harmful to the child's wellbeing.
Did you know that 1 in 10 children live with one or both parents who are struggling with conflict?
Learn more about parental conflict and it's impact on children in this 3-minute YouTube video:
How communicating poorly affects children
Arguments between parents is normal, it's how you resolve them that really matters most for children.
Constant arguing can make a child feel scared, anxious, depressed or uncertain about their future. Children do not need a front row seat to shouting, criticism and blame.
Experience what it's like for children when parents or co-parents struggle to communicate in this 1-minute YouTube video:
Causes of arguments between parents
Tension can happen between parents for many reasons, like:
- having a new baby
- an illness
- losing your job
- money worries
- the death of someone close
- if you are separating
When these arguments are not managed in a healthy way, the tension can affect both adults and their children.
Behaviours that lead to breakdown in relationships: The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse
Some negative communication behaviours are so harmful that they can lead to a breakdown of a relationship. Relationship expert and psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These behaviours are:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
If these behaviours do not change, they can predict relationship breakdown with over 90% accuracy.
Learn about these behaviours and research-based strategies you can try instead in this 2-minute YouTube video:
The Four Horsemen: Negative relationship behaviours and what to try instead
- Criticism attacks the character of the recipient. Instead of focusing on a specific behaviour, talk about your feelings using "I" statements and express a positive need.
- Contempt is an expression of superiority that comes out as sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humour. Instead, treat one another with respect and build a culture of appreciation within a relationship.
- Defensiveness is self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. Instead, accept responsibility even if only for part of the conflict.
- Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from a conversation without resolving anything. Instead, take a break for at least 20 minutes, calm down, then return to the conversation.
Relationships Really Matter can help
If you are struggling with your relationship, remember you're not alone. Things can get better and Relationships Really Matter can help.
You will find tools, help and support by exploring these Relationships Really Matter pages.
Here’s what one Nottinghamshire parent thought about using our tools and support:
Being able to visually see how your relationship is on the different steps in a relationship chart shows you clearly the steps you need to take, and can make, to ensure you're both more 'together' and 'united'.
Support for children and young people
If you are a child or young person and worried about your parents, or anything else, support is there if you need it.
Speak with your teacher or call Childline on 0800 1111